Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Learning

10 months later, I'm finally posting something. Talk about being dead.
Last I posted, I was struggling to find a direction in life. I did officially drop out of school of Jan 2015. Not something to be proud of but you have no idea how happy I felt when I waved the dropout letter towards my friend. I feign feeling sad but honestly it felt like a huge burden lifted off my shoulders.

The story that comes after was the one that has shaped me into the person I am today. I took up a part time job at pizza hut. I'd only intended to stay there for 3 months while I was looking for a proper full time job. I ended up being there for a little over a year. Needless to say, it was one of the best environment I've worked in. I became more outgoing(?), I was no longer the same old shy person and I grew some balls(confidence) in meeting new people.

Even with such an amazing environment, I did fall into a slump. Twice, I took 2 weeks leave from work because I simply couldn't focus and I was still affected when looking at people being happy with where they were in life. I wouldn't say that I was jealous but I had this habit of comparing myself with the people around me. Some days I would say "I love what I'm doing!" and there are days when I wake up and just start berating myself for being where I was in life.

Like a ray of sunshine right after the rain, I was accepted into my current job. At this very moment, I'm still a trainee after and left with a little over 2 months before I'm done with the training.
When I first started, I fell back into my old ways. I was hella quiet. I was afraid of opening up. I had my lips shut when working with new people. I knew I was doing that yet I still asked myself "why do people not like talking to me" (honestly i deserved a wake up slap)

I dare not say that this might be my calling. That this might be my future profession because for all you know it might just be temporary. But I am really happy with where I am now. I've learned to stop comparing myself to others. I've learned to accept myself for who I am and if I ever feel unsatisfied, I should make the change that I want to see. I've learnt that not everybody is going to like you for who you are so you should stop doing things to just satisfy someone else. Most importantly, I've learnt to live in the moment. To enjoy every second of it. I've learnt and I'm still learning.

Would you come on this journey with me?

Thursday, April 21, 2016

The Experimental Child


The experimental child. The tried and tested one. The first-born. 

At 15, for the first time “You’re grounded! Always be back by 7pm!"
She was upset but eventually she felt touched. Her parents do care.
However, a week was all it took for her to get out of being grounded. It was not because she had been obedient. It was because her parents eventually forgot that she was being grounded.

At 15, she got 2nd place in the whole cohort for a subject. She came home excited to tell her parents the news.
“Why didn’t you get 1st instead? If your classmate can do it, why can’t you?”
“I’ll do better next time” she went to her room.
“Don’t worry, you can do better next time. At least you passed,” she overheard them telling her youngest sister.

At 16, she failed her major exams. She took a year off from school. Her parents never scolded her. They didn’t care.

At 17, she got her first job. She no longer had a care for curfews. Nor was she given any. They didn’t care.

At 18, she got accepted to a school. She enrolled to a school. She begged her parents to accompany her but they had work. They didn’t care.

At 19, she got a GPA 4.0. She was selected to go on a student exchange programme overseas. She was overjoyed. She threw a tantrum when her parents said they didn’t have enough money. Eventually she got to go.

At 20, she graduated and finally got into another school for diploma. She enrolled with a friend. She didn’t have to ask to know that her parents couldn’t make it. She came home with the whole family in front of the television watching a movie, without her. They didn’t care.

At 21, she decided to drop out. She told her parents her decision. They never tried to stop her. She was an adult. She met up with the Headmaster, alone. She got a job again, but only as a waitress. Earning a mere $6/hr, her parents told her to get better job. Simply because she was not contributing to the household. Or so she thought. Eventually they gave up as she was indeed paying for her own expenses. They didn’t care.

At 22, she begged her parents to take an off day to sign her employment contract.
“I know this is what she wants. I trust her,” she looks at her father, shocked that he said those words to her future employer.
“It’s rare to find a parent saying that to a stranger, let alone in front of their child”
She couldn’t stop smiling. She felt a different kind of warmth in her heart.
They cared.

They always have.

At 15, they bought her a new phone, weeks after she passed. “I got my bonus,” her parents said.
They cared.

At 16, they asked around if there were other options she could go for, as they weren’t familiar with the education system. They left brochures on her table.
They cared.

At 17, she was working with her cousin. Her parents always checked with the cousin on the progress of their child and to tell them if she was facing any problem.
They cared.

At 18, their colleague got sick at the last minute and they could not apply for leave. They called her after the enrolment procedures to check on her. They cared.

At 19, they asked for advance payment so they could send her overseas. They asked around for money so that they could keep the family going for months. She didn’t know.
They cared.

At 21, her parents cried for their child. Praying that she would eventually find the right path for her. They trusted her when she said she wanted to quit. They wanted her to find a better job. She was struggling with the little pay she had left after paying off her bills. “Here’s $10 for your lunch”
They cared.

Her parents showered her with so much love when she was younger. She didn’t remember. Birthday parties were thrown up till she was 6 years old, while the youngest sister never got any. She was the first one to go primary school and graduate. The first one to take her major exam in secondary school yet failed. They did not know what to do because she was the first one. They didn’t want to put too much pressure on her. Instead it looks like they didn’t care. She was their first child to go through everything.
Instead, she became a lesson learnt for them. Thanks to her, they knew how to treat the younger ones. Thanks to her, they knew when to be strict and when to give their child space.  
Because they cared.

She is the experimental child. The tried and tested one.
The first-born. 



Saturday, February 7, 2015

Goodbye(s)



Goodbye, such a simple yet hateful word. 
A simple word yet so many ways of departure. 
Hurtful or expected, come what may but goodbyes are inevitable. 
One can never prepare ahead for a goodbye.  
Most of the time, it comes unexpectedly. 
At times, a signal is given ahead but it’s nothing compared to the separation itself. 
Every beginning has it’s ending.


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

'I Hate Everyone' Day

As you can see, I've failed in updating daily about the 2 week dorm life. I still have 7 more days to go anyways. As per the title, yesterday was one of the worst day in a while. It wasn't due to any outside factor but just because of how shitty I felt. I was the worst person to converse with yesterday. Being as emotional as I was, I wrote down a little something just to vent my anger out.
 

"It’s happening again. It’s like as if mid-life crisis came early for me. Once again, as painful as it was the last time, I am yet again questioning my existence. The burden that I’ve been carrying for the past months have build up to the point of exploding. Everyone has his or her own stories. Everyone has his or her own pain. They are strong enough to cover it up with a smile. I AM NOT. I show it on my face. I don’t mean to be mad at people but it has build up to the point that I don’t even know what or who am I really mad at. I don’t have a solution for my problem. All I want to do is mope around in my room and cry my hearts out. Literally. It feel so suffocating I just want everyone to stop. What do I do?

Everywhere I go, I see smiling faces all around. Can I not be happy too? Yes, I know there are much more harder problems out there. There are more people suffering than I am. This thing I’m feeling needs to go away. What if I do quit and not know what I want to do? What if I am not fated to hold a professional position that I want (Allah knows whatever that is). Please help me get through this.

No, I’m not okay. I don’t get why I am so angry when I see you smile. I want to be happy too."

As you can see by that, I was an emotional wreck yesterday. That feeling should never ever come back.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Day 1: Roommates

Today marks the first day of our 2 week stay in the school apartment. It's part of the requirements for our extra Course Disciplinary Subject (CDS); Transnational Studies. What we basically learn in this module is how we communicate with different types of people. I never knew there were that MANY types of people. We learn different approaches to people of different universal trait.

We were placed in groups of 5 as flatmates and also group mates for our final submission.

Photos of the living room (excuse the quality)



Kitchen; mini stove & microwave (no utensils whatsoever)

2 twin bedrooms and a single bedroom (obv the mess is mine)

I've only been here for 7 hours and I'm dying of boredom. There is no television (not that I watch it but entertainment ya know) and the wifi here sucks. Flatmates have yet to end class but fortunately I have Yaneyy as companion since our class was cancelled today. I'm a close-off person in nature so I'm not really sure how I am gonna click with my flatmates. 

Yes, we knew each other before moving in but that was only as group mates and not more. I hope we'll be able to put aside any differences we have and make this stay a fruitful one. Speaking of which we will be having an International Dinner soon and I reckon we're gonna have to cook (save me!)

I shall challenge myself to update daily while I'm here. (I shall try)